Losing Garrus
by 1991Kira
Summary: What if there was a way to fail Garrus Vakarian's loyalty mission in ME2? A look at how it could have gone down. One-shot.


"You okay?" asked a concerned Commander Shepard as she approached him warily.

"I don't want to talk about it Shepard. Not now."

Garrus's reply was terse as he slowly clenched and unclenched his talons, visibly fighting to get himself under control. Shepard also noticed him glance furtively at Kasumi sitting calmly in the back of the nearby cab. It seemed as if he was doing his very best to not say or do anything they'd both come to regret.

Shepard wisely decided not to push him further. There would be time to deal with this later, or so she thought.

* * *

That had been four days ago.

Since then Garrus had gone out of his way to avoid her. Every single attempt to talk to him had been rebuffed with a firm, "Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

She couldn't for the life of her understand why he chose to behave this way. After all, it wasn't like they hadn't had their disagreements before? Hell, he had been pretty pissed with her after their encounter with Dr Saleon, but in the end had accepted her handling of the situation.

She had been on the receiving end of his anger before, but this… resentment? She had no idea what to make of that.

So Shepard decided to deal with this the only way she knew.

Charge straight in and hope for the best.

"Garrus, got a moment to talk?"

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm…."

"No, it can't", she snapped. "We need to talk, _now_."

She winced internally at the way it came out, but steeled herself as her best friend slowly turned around from the console to make eye contact for the first time in days.

"What's wrong with you Garrus? Why the hell have you been avoiding me?"

"You know why", he said in that irritatingly calm voice of his, crossing his arms and leaning back against the console.

"Dammit Garrus!" she exploded, his unflinching calm in the face of her mounting irritation aggravating her further. "I know you don't agree with how we dealt with Sidonis, but you _know_ it was the right thing to do."

"According to who, Shepard? You?"

His calm, measured response took her by surprise. _What's that supposed to mean? He's always trusted my judgement until now. So why…_

"Let me put it this way" he said, finally uncrossing his arms and standing straight. "If Miranda betrayed you tomorrow and Chakwas, Joker, Tali and I were killed, would you be able to forgive her?"

His unexpected question hit her like a punch to the gut. If Miranda, someone who she had come to trust and respect after that incident on Ilium involving her sister, betrayed her and led her friends to their deaths, would she _really _be able to forgive her and move on?

_Oh God, Garrus….._

"Would you really be interested in listening to her excuses, no matter how justified they may be? Would you be able to stop yourself from pulling the trigger when you've _finally_ got her in your sights?"

Shepard swallowed and looked way. She wanted to say that she wouldn't let something like that change her, but she couldn't. The very idea of losing the people she cared for to someone's betrayal, especially when that someone was also a part of her team, made her stomach churn.

Some of her thoughts probably showed on her face, because Garrus simply nodded, "Yeah, that's what I thought."

He looked away from her and bent over the railing in front of his console, his talons gripping it tightly. He was silent for a while but when he spoke again there was a steel in his voice Shepard had never heard before.

"I've always respected you decisions Commander, even if I didn't necessarily agree with them. But this… this was not your call to make."

"That barefaced bastard betrayed us all Shepard. He sat at the same table as us, fought alongside us and stabbed us in the back the first opportunity he got."

"I never once lied to him about what we were doing on Omega, what are chances were of coming out alive in the end. Heck, I didn't force him to join us, he came along willingly. I made sure that he understood the risks involved in pissing off the three biggest merc groups this side of the Terminus systems. _Everybody_ on my team did."

Garrus broke off as he looked over the main battery. His next words were so choked with raw emotion it made Shepard cringe.

"I still remember that day Shepard. My team… they were massacred. Only two of them were alive by the time I found them and that too because the mercs had left them behind to die of their injuries. One of them Mierin, she was so young, practically a kid... younger that Tali was when she joined us on the Normandy SR1; and Butler, he'd just become a father a month ago..."

"All those people dead because of him. Because of me..."

"Shit, Garrus. I'm sorry." Shepard said, unable to bear the grief in her best friend's voice. "Look, if you want we can go back, find Sidonis again…."

"You think this is all just because I was unable to kill Sidonis?" Garrus said incredulously as he spun around to face Shepard again.

"Isn't it?" Shepard said confused. _Isn't that what we were talking about…?_

Garrus gave a hollow laugh. "Spirits Shepard, this has nothing to do with Sidonis. Hell, now that I know he's on The Citadel, I can kill him whenever I want to…" His eyes narrowed, "No Shepard, this isn't about him, this is about _you_."

"Me?" Shepard said, taken aback. "What are you talking about?"

"I've always had your six Shepard. Both on the field and off, I've always had your back."

He started pacing from side to side, his body practically trembling in agitation and controlled fury.

"Even when I had my doubts about Cerberus, I chose to follow you. Even when Ashley called you a traitor, when Liara treated you so coldly, when even Tali refused to join you... I believed you Shepard. Spirits, I would have followed you into hell itself and not said a word."

He stopped pacing and turned around to face her again, eyes lit with a fury she had never seen before being directed towards her.

"But the one time I counted on you to watch my back, you failed me. The one time I needed your support, your help more than anything... _you_ turned your back on me."

"I was trying to do the right thing..."

"I wanted you do right by _me_ Shepard!" Garrus exploded. "I wanted you to stand by me, for once. Not your morals, not your definition of right and wrong but by _me_."

"For once I wanted you to see things from _my_ point of view Shepard. Was it so much to ask?"

Shepard was silent as she felt his words hit her like physical blows, one after another. How could she have been so blind? Once again her mind went over the events of that day and she cringed at her handling of the situation. The sanctimonious manner in which she had planted herself between Garrus and his target, forcing him to listen to Sidonis' pathetic excuses.

She had never stopped to wonder what Garrus could have been feeling at that point. Being forced to listen to a traitor justify the execution of his men, _ten good men_…..

_Dammit Garrus, what did I do?_

"Garrus, I….."

But Garrus didn't seem to hear her. His shoulders sagged and he sat down on the bench nearby, looking more tired and defeated than Shepard had ever seen him.

_I did this to him._

"I'm sorry Shepard", he said. "I can't do this anymore."

Her blood froze. Did he mean what she thought he meant?

"I promised you I'd help you with the Collectors, and I'll do it since I owe you for rescuing me on Omega. But after that… I'm not sure if I can follow you anymore."

She couldn't believe her ears. _Was he serious?_

"So... we're through?"

There was a long pause before Garrus looked up to make eye contact once again. She saw grief in those blue eyes of his but also a grim determination.

"Yeah."

They regarded each other for a while in silence, neither of them knowing what to say next.

It was Shepard who finally broke the silence. She cleared her throat and moved a few steps to the doors.

"I should go."

Garrus stood up and looked at her with a neutral expression on his face. He looked like he wanted to say something but instead settled for a terse "Commander."

As he turned back to his console and the doors closed behind him, he heard a faint whisper.

"I'm sorry Garrus."

* * *

**Author's note: **

**I've always found it a bit strange that Garrus, who spends most of ME2 brooding over the death of his comrades and talking about killing Sidonis, does a complete face-heel turn during his loyalty mission and lets him go, simply because Shepard beseeches him to. It _might _have been a bit believable if Sidonis had had a genuine reason to betray Garrus, like say if someone close to him had been threatened or something like that. The incredibly lame ass excuse that he feared for his life doesn't cut much ice, considering that Archangel's squad was made up of people who had a pretty good idea of what they would be facing when they chose to pick a fight with the biggest Merc gangs in _Omega of all places._**

**Also, I've always found it incredibly annoying when Paragon Shepard goes around forcing his/her morals down the throats of nearly everyone they meet. Helping someone make the right choice is well and good (though the definition of "right" is often subjective), but refusing to see things from someone else's perspective usually tends to cause more harm.  
**

**This fic was inspired by a conversation between Shepard and Kasumi in the incredibly amazing story _Once more, With Feeling by _Eternity's Angel of Mercy. The author's done a really good job of showing Garrus' perspective on the whole Sidonis issue.**


End file.
